my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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