he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
