i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
