Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
