She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
