My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
