Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you told grandpa to call you daddy
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize