I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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