Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Ambien. No doubt about it.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize