is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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