my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
