It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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