I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
