I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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