Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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