Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
