Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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