There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize