Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
