You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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