I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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