I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Randomize
