I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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