I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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