Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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