I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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