I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
