So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
