Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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