You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
