He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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