Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You made out with two different species that night
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
