People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
