I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
3pm strippers are depressing
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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