So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
