; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Another day, another engagement, another cat
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
