She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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