I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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