I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Dick very happy bro
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
