Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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