whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
