There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
