I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize