I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
