Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
