I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
