I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
