Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
