UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
