Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
