Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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