Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
