apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
