just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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