hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Randomize