i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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