There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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