Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
