I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
