I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
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