Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
