i love accidental penises.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
