I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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