It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
