Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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