i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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