did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
