I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
