Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Drunk is a universal language darling
how does that bad decision feel?
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