ADVERTISEMENT

• (205): View more from Alabama

  Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

  (205): View more from Alabama

  This explains so much.

  Fav 30 19143 1552

  share tweet
  

• (702): View more from Nevada

  Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter

  Fav 22 4648 1502

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (515): View more from Iowa

  No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.

  Fav 2 1499 808

  share tweet
  

• (303): View more from Colorado

  Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.

  Fav 19 1073 2033

  share tweet
  

• (618): View more from Illinois

  Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.

  Fav 8 1802 765

  share tweet
  

• (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?

  Fav 2 724 1288

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (251): View more from Alabama

  THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.

  Fav 14 1545 857

  share tweet
  

• (802): View more from Vermont

  Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?

  Fav 8 1325 574

  share tweet
  

• (864): View more from South Carolina

  Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away

  Fav 0 1442 633

  share tweet
  

• (904): View more from Florida

  He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him

  Fav 4 1018 951

  share tweet
  

• (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.

  Fav 3 1090 653

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (203): View more from Connecticut

  I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.

  Fav 2 741 587

  share tweet
  

• (612): View more from Minnesota

  Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.

  Fav 1 55 14

  share tweet
  

• (425): View more from Washington

  woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.

  Fav 0 28 33

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (908): View more from New Jersey

  He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....

  Fav 0 52 20

  share tweet
  

Randomize