I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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