That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
