My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
