just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
