just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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