bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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